Karen and Cass

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.  His wife could eat no lean…I can’t stop singing sad songs, where do I go from here?

Sometimes when I’ve had a stressful day, I eat double stuffed oreos, drink wine and sing along with the women I’ve come to regard as my support group.

Today was a stressful day.  So I searched for my favorite comfort song, which  led me to Olivia Newton John, which led me to Karen Carpenter.

I love Karen Carpenter’s voice most of all.  It’s my favorite singing voice of all time.  Always has been.  It’s like having an older sister or a guardian angel nearby.   

“To set things right when the world’s upside down.  Let me be the one you run to.  Let me be the one you come to when you need someone to turn to.”

And as always, I wondered…”what happened to her?”  How could a woman who had the most beautiful voice in the world, was loved by continents of people, not to mention her family, who was bright and beautiful, how could SHE think she couldn’t be loved unless she was as thin as skin on bones?

“You’ve got to love me for what I am for simply being me.  Don’t love me for what you intend or hope that I will be.”

My heart still goes out to her.  I know what it feels like to feel fat and unattractive, to want to be loved for who you are absolutely.  But it seems so crazy for her to think that about herself.  I’m sure she wouldn’t understand why I think so…but perhaps it’s just as crazy for me to think these things.

Suddenly, I find myself ear to voice with Cass Elliot.  Gorgeous.  Another of my absolute, all-time favorites.  And the epitome of the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to tragedy.  She joked alot about being overweight, even told her friends she didn’t want to be seen in public with them because it would only make it clear how big she truly was.

“Different is hard.  Different is lonely.  Different is trouble.  Different is heartache.  Different is pain.  But I’d rather be different then be the same.”

Again, I know what it’s like to feel self-conscious and worry about comparisons, but how silly of such a vivacious personality, a voice like a goddess, a true superstar.  It makes me wonder.

I’ve studied the power of beauty, the science of beauty, the history of beauty.  I’ve studied the science of weight disorders and weight loss, the psychology of it, the factors.  I’ve worked out, run, walked, dieted, starved myself, made myself throw up, hated food, used food as a crutch, ate the same food every day for months on end until I couldn’t stand it anymore.  And guess what, I’m within 30 pounds of where I’ve been my entire adult life.

“We go on hurting each other.  Making each other cry, hurting each other.  Without ever knowing why.”

Would it shock you to know that despite the fact I’m still overweight my doctor says I’m in fabulous health, fabulous shape?  It’s true.

But I’m not thin.

I have no intention of ever returning to the world of dieting or filling my time with activities I hate or eating only one food till the end of time just to be thin.  Nor do I plan to lead a sedentary life.  But I’m never going to be thin.

So when will it be okay for all of us…women, especially…to understand how gorgeous and worthwhile and wonderful we are…just as we are.  Like Karen and Cass.  Regardless of our shape.  Or our age.  Or our hair or skin or eye color.  Or weight.

“On the day that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true.  So they sprinkled moondust in your hair and golden starlight in your eyes of blue.”

I just want to live and live well, to sing and dance and be happy and enjoy every moment I’m here.

“It’s not hard to see that it isn’t half of what it’s going to turn out to be cause it’s getting better, growing stronger, warmer and wilder.  Getting better everyday.”

By the way, they both died of heart attacks.  I find that ironic as I sit here missing them…and their gorgeous voices.

“Don’t worry if it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear.  Just sing.  Sing a song.”

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