Great Expectations

Conundrum–an intricate or difficult problem.  I have one, and it stems from great expectations.  I have great expectations–for myself, my life, my daughters.

But this past week has been a tough one for me. In fact, I would say that I disappointed all my great expectations…in many ways.  And upon examination, I realize that my conundrum stems from a lack of knowing or understanding expectations around me.

I won’t go into details of these personal moments because the perfect lesson about setting expectations can be found in history, more appropriately in revolution.

You see, this week I also finished reading about the Merry Affair, and I must say, THIS is an affair to remember, with a crucial lesson about etiquette revolution and great expectations.  It’s also the perfect lesson in the power of femininity.

Here’s the snapshot: the young nation, not even 10 years old, has a new president–Thomas Jefferson, who desperately wants to make sure that this new nation doesn’t become a monarchy.  Understanding that society and politics are intricately and intimately intertwined, he sets about changing the rules of etiquette so they don’t mimic the formal protocols of monarchical Europe.

Enter the Merry’s–a newly married couple acting as ambassadors for England.  Jefferson immediately offends Anthony Merry at his formal introduction by not prescribing to the international protocols; then Jefferson publicly slights Elizabeth Merry.  To embarrass a man in society is bad.  But to embarrass a woman is a cardinal crime according to international standards.  However, instead of the young government questioning Jefferson, they begin to emulate this new etiquette much to the chagrin of all the European ambassadors.  No one seems to know how to act and when to be offended.

So, under Elizabeth Merry’s advice the foreign ladies begin declining invitations to formal social events entirely so as not to expose their husbands, or themselves, to continued embarrassments.  It was their own revolution.  They declared war on this new and undefined etiquette.  And so the etiquette war of 1803 began in earnest.

Jefferson immediately claims victory.  However, it soon becomes clear to Jefferson and all the men of the young government that these women aren’t just societal creatures, disposable and unnecessary.  The very nature of women’s society had political advantages that, when denied, ground politics to a halt. 

Women, it seemed, acted as advisers, they shared or gathered information of use that might not otherwise be brought to light, they smoothed out misunderstandings, they led discussions gracefully, they unified and solidified…

Now, let me stop you for a moment. I am a strong proponent for women knowing and behaving under the traditional rules of etiquette. In fact, on my desk I keep seven books: Merriam-Webster’s New World Dictionary; Emily Post’s Rules of Etiquette; Protocol: The Complete Handbook of Diplomatic, Official and Social Usage; Robert’s Rules; Multicultural Manners: Essential Rules of Etiquette for the 21st Century; Gift From the Sea, and Fascinating Womanhood. These, collectively, are my bibles.

In them, each proposes that women’s proper role in society is subtle but mighty! I believe it.  I’ve seen the power of it firsthand.  And I’ve read about it’s power extensively.  So let’s rewind about 35 years before the Merry’s arrival in the United States.

While Jefferson, Madison, Washington, Franklin, Hamilton and Adams are off writing policy, objecting to taxes, being “windy,” and advocating for breaking with Great Britain, their wives are home organizing boycotting campaigns and defining a societal style that united the nation.  The men’s role was to break us from Great Britain.  The women’s role was to unite us internally.  And they did it subtly through society.

Elizabeth Merry’s boycott of Jefferson’s “pele mele” etiquette lasted until the new rules of etiquette were defined.  Then people knew what was expected and how to behave.  Elizabeth Merry won.

Ah…and so now to my next point.  This week, a friend of a friend was ranting about how history was really “his story.”  I hate that phrase because I think it is completely wrong.  And the Merry Affair, the stories of my childhood heroines–Abigail Adams, Dolley Madison, Margaret Hardenbroeck Philipse, Anne Morrow Lindbergh and others show that women may not have been the ones writing about what was going on formally (interesting side note, a lot of what we know happened during our nation’s infancy derives from the personal letters of women, like Abigail Adams, Elizabeth Merry, Dolley Madison, etc.), but they were certainly influencing it immensely–in a feminine way. 

The answer to my conundrum — etiquette, or knowing and understanding the expectations so that I may be the great woman to which I aspire.